I have family trauma-do I need to cut off my relationship with them?

Therapeutic practices have evolved to include a variety of approaches that aim to help individuals confront and heal from their issues. Two very different methods are “cutting off your family” on one end of the spectrum and Problem-Solving Brief Therapy (PSBT) on the other. While both approaches seek to provide relief from emotional distress, they do so in fundamentally different ways.

Is it healing to cut ties with family?

We recently came across the article in the New York Times “Is Cutting Off your Family Good Therapy?” written by Ellen Barry – NYT, July 14, 2024- and were compelled to write about how Problem-Solving Brief Therapy seems like a more compassionate approach to trauma. From our point of view, we know that each relationship is unique, and are saddened to see a trend in recommendations for harsh boundaries and estrangement in families. We question this trend’s long-term efficacy for healing complicated relationships.

“Cutting off your family,” often referred to as family estrangement, is being sold as a way of protecting one’s mental health. This approach may serve as a radical form of self-care, allowing individuals to distance themselves from dysfunctional family dynamics that may contribute to psychological issues in the present of a person seeking help, such as anxiety, depression, or chronic high levels of stress related to the trauma. Barry’s article focuses on individuals who felt pressure and expectations from family members that hindered personal growth and functioning in their present lives. We agree that these hinderances are reason to seek therapy, but our message and response for consultation is drastically different from the one described in Barry’s article.

How to heal from negative family experiences from a Solution Focused model

Barry’s article shares Mr. Teahan’s message, who has about 200K followers on TikTok, claims that “The movement right now is that we can break a cultural norm. The structure is becoming undone around ‘family is everything”. What is the price being paid? we ask. According to his mentor, Amanda Curtin, clients came to her convinced that they’d had a good childhood, but she saw right away that they had not; many had absent workaholic fathers which she claims constitutes trauma, abandonment or neglect. In this context, the clinician and succumbing clients argue that the only way to regain their lives comes from cutting off the offending parents, which allows the client to go on with life. In the article, Teahan equates these kinds of parents with abusers, with whom one does not need to reconcile. To us, it seems like a extreme construction of a new reality, which does not need to be so draconian.

Problem Solving Brief Therapy is a structured, goal-oriented therapeutic method that focuses on identifying specific problems and finding practical solutions in the context that is particular for each person coming in for therapy. This therapeutic approach emphasizes the importance of active participation from both the therapist and the client. PSBT typically involves three key stages: defining the problem, generating specific solutions for the problem each client brings in, and implementing those solutions.

If I am not cutting off- How do I deal with strained family relationships?

Problem-Solving Brief Therapy focuses primarily on relationships, and by definition, cutting off family ties which stems from a recognition of toxic patterns within family dynamics, makes relationships in the future impossible. What path the therapy takes is dictated by the lens chosen by the therapist to see reality. One lens will interrupt relationships, the other will try to enact a different way to interact and increase the ability for the relationship to continue, albeit in a different form. We think it is important to look at the therapist’s lens because it informs our communication and behavior and ultimately guides the client in what suggestions they perceive from the therapist.

Mr. Teahan has chosen a very linear way to look at families and their dynamics, somewhat reminiscent of the ‘Recovered Memories’ of the 80s. If one chooses to look for toxicity and has only one way of dealing with it, everything will lead to that conclusion. This principal is named the confirmation bias and we think it is a significant hinderance in healing from relational trauma.  We think that therapists need to use contextual information and relationship patterns to find creative solutions, rather than reinforce ideas about linear views of relational pain. With this clinical bias, subsequent assertions and framing of observations, Mr. Teahan is creating that reality. It is further emphasized in the way he uses language. He has created a paradigm in which the feelings or grief or loss which are bound to happen in some relationships, after a while are justified and become stagnant.

Solution Focused approach to healing relational trauma

Solution Focused Brief Therapy generally advocates for addressing problems within relationships rather than removing oneself from them entirely. In PSBT, the therapist works collaboratively with clients to develop skills that enable them to navigate difficult interpersonal dynamics and come out at the other end feeling accomplished for the positive change. For example, if a person is struggling with communication issues with a family member, the therapist may help them develop strategies for effective dialogue, problem resolution, and conflict management. The goal is not to eliminate ties but to strengthen them through understanding and cooperation.

HEALING TRAUMA means empowering agency and managing potential outcomes

The outcomes of each approach are, of course, different. Individuals who choose to cut off family ties may experience immediate relief but we argue, might also face long-term challenges, such as feelings of loneliness, guilt, or social stigma. Detaching from toxic relationships raises questions about future relational patterns—whether one will repeat similar dynamics in friendships or romantic relationships.

From our point of view, an approach to resolving family conflict that requires the invention of a fixed reality – family is unhealthy and destructive, it is all their fault—seems rather draconian. Mr. Teahan advocates that clients need to accept that parents will never change. To this we propose that looking at reality from an interactional point of view, allows for doors to open. In the case of the article, Zhenzhen felt badgered by her parents to fulfill their expectations and complained about this to the therapist. In our view, life does not happen in black and whites but rather in colors of grey. How often did she talk to her parents? How did she, unwittingly, invite their badgering, which they probably saw as giving advice or making useful suggestions? When the perspective is more circular, we are not blaming the victim but allowing her to explore alternatives to the dialogue that she had with her parents. We are curious about what are some of the cultural values that her parents brought to the table, versus the values that she had acquired? From the Solution Focused model, learning how to negotiate those differences give the client tools that they will later use in other relationships in their lives. Here is a link to the NYT article, No Contact America – The New York Times (nytimes.com)

Solution Focus Brief therapy can resolve relational trauma

We have written about our perspective on trauma before including How to recover from Trauma. A Problem Solving Brief Therapy lens. – Brief Therapy Center | World Leader in Brief Therapy. When working with trauma, opening the possibility of a person expressing their pain as soon as possible in an environment of respect and active listening, is of the utmost importance. In the interactional model of Problem-Solving Brief Therapy we will ask ourselves, together with the client, what will be achieved by the distance? What impact will it, of course, have on the parents? Do they know what is happening? What financial impact will this have in the long run? Does the person who rejects the relationship expect, for example, to be cut off from the will? What might this decision look like in 5 or 10 years? For these and many other reasons, we advocate that working on the relationship through hard actions to promote positive change is more productive. One way of achieving this goal is to reframe what was happening and how that perception continues to create pain.

In conclusion, “cutting off your family” as a form of therapy and Problem-Solving Brief Therapy represent two very different approaches to resolving distress. While the former may provide immediate relief from toxic dynamics, the latter fosters resilience and skills that enhance relational capabilities. We strongly suggest that creating trauma where it does not exist, should be left for situations of domestic violence and physical abuse where physical and emotional distance is a must for survival.

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