In the realm of couples therapy, the traditional image of both partners sitting side by side on a therapist’s couch, ready to dissect their shared struggles, is deeply ingrained. However, there exists a powerful alternative: systems- centered approaches that prioritize the transformation of the one partner who is most engaged. In a tennis match and volley, you only need one person to put down the racket to interrupt the game. This approach, epitomized by the Brief Therapy Model, offers a clear option for individuals seeking to catalyze positive changes in their relationship dynamics, even when their partner is not initially invested in therapy. At times it is useful to have both partners in a couple in a session at once, but not always. This maneuverability helps us make sure we are prioritizing the needs and motivations of the clients we work with.

The Power of One:

It is helpful to put oneself in the “shoes” of the people coming to therapy for help. Can you imagine feeling stuck in a cycle of conflict and misunderstanding with your partner, where resolution appears out of reach and the common messaging is that all people coming to the session need to be there and need to be invested equally to see change? When a partner knows that they have tried to motivate their partner to come to therapy before and they are willing to come begrudgingly or without much sincere investment, we insist that dragging them is NOT necessary to promote change AND we believe it impedes timely change. Instead of telling them they need to drag their partner begrudgingly into therapy sessions, with the personal cost of exercising that task, we work with ability to find an entry point into change with just 1 motivated person. This empowers the client and motivated partner to take the reins of change and shift the dynamic with what is within their reach. It only takes one partner to invest time and effort and the interaction will shift and create a positive ripple effect.  We can do therapy for the couple- through one willing partner. The hope, is to either involve the other partner later or to sufficiently address the problem so that is not necessary. This depends on the couple, their context and the problem they are consulting on.

The Brief Therapy Model advocates for action and clear communication, challenging people to embody the change they wish to see in their relationship. Rather than fruitlessly attempting to persuade a reluctant partner to join therapy, this approach encourages leading by example, making it difficult for them to continue the problematic cycle of conflict and disconnection.

Pathologizing your partner, whether by assigning labels like “narcissism” or “sociopathy”, can inadvertently perpetuate a cycle of blame and resentment within the relationship. While these labels may be true, we prefer to think in terms of “how is this a problem for you and what can we do about this, since you are reaching for help.”  Instead of focusing on diagnosis or categorization, the interactional approach invites you to view behavior and communication within the context of each person’s unique needs and values and how they are showing up.

This allows us to take vague overarching complaints and digest them into concrete observable qualities and interactions which we can then address and change.

Practical Application:

Consider a couple constantly embroiled in heated arguments, unable to effectively communicate their needs and feelings. It’s easy to fall into a trap of blame or reduce disliked behavior to a label, this often makes people feel helpless about how to handle these disruptions. The Brief Therapy Model could help identify communication barriers and develop practical strategies for improving dialogue. Through exercises such as active listening, de-escalation and surprising their partner with new messages and behavior, the couple can learn to express themselves more clearly, compassionately and productively, fostering greater understanding and connection.

By reframing their perspective and choosing to look at their life and their partner with a fresh look, you support the client to reclaim agency over their own choices, fostering a sense of acceptance and hope. This model helps to promote an empowering view of the relationship, which helps people look at the communication from multiple points of view and often gets people out of blaming and contemptuous cycles which impede productive conversations.

To read more on this topic, checkout our other related blog.

It takes two to tango BUT only one to promote positive change – Brief Therapy Center | World Leader in Brief Therapy

Building Resilience:

We think it is important to support people to stand on their own two feet. This includes when to and how to ask for support which we think is a cornerstone of resilience in relationships. By asking questions that develop communication awareness, and emphasizing what they do have control over, we show people how to become less reliant on their attempted solutions that have not worked. We help them get through to their partners in different ways that send a more healing and constructive message. This helps partners become more capable of navigating relationship challenges with confidence and adaptability. The byproduct of this, is more space for their partner to change and adjust to them and their changes.

This approach works because we know that relationships have feedback loops of communication. When one person changes, the system shifts. How and when to do this requires focus, consideration of how to implement change and helping the client feel heard and supporting through the change. We do this by using common language, and work through the client’s motivation and worldview.  In essence, interactional communication approaches in couples therapy offer a transformative pathway to healing and growth, empowering individuals to cultivate healthier relationship dynamics one step at a time. By embracing change on a systemic level, you pave the way for profound shifts in your relationship, fostering greater connection, understanding, and fulfillment.